


The Wife Of River Song

by LittlePageAndBird



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Adventure, BAMF River Song, Everyone fancies River, F/F, Flirting, Heist, Luna University, Post-Library, Space Wives, Thirteen is soft for her wife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittlePageAndBird/pseuds/LittlePageAndBird
Summary: “I’m her husband.”They returned her expectant stare blankly. River watched them with her hip propped on the console, clearly amused, letting a few awkward seconds pass before supplying helpfully, “Wife.”“Wife! That’s the one.” The Doctor squeezed her eyes shut, snapping her finger. “Argh. I’ll get it the first time one day.”“Hang on a sec,” Graham spluttered. “You’re married?! When did this happen?”“Oh, roughly a thousand years ago.”“Or a couple of centuries,” River countered.The Doctor threw her a grin. “Or at the beginning and the end of the universe.”“Or all of the above.”The Doctor enlists the help of a criminal to retrieve three stolen relics, and the fam gets their first introduction to River Song.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 66
Kudos: 566





	1. The Professor

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to do this for aaages. An adventure with River being River and everyone totally falling in love with her for it. Hope you enjoy x

It all started with a distress call spanning several galaxies.

A planet called Koissar in the constellation of Cetus had been the victim of a robbery. Three ancient relics - so renowned that if you asked anyone in that galaxy to play a Koissar-themed word association game, according to the Doctor, the relics would be the first thing they’d all name - had vanished in broad daylight. A dagger, a necklace, and a goblet from the early days of the Koissavi civilisation were now somewhere in the universe at some point in time - and that was all that the Doctor, Yaz, Graham and Ryan had to go on.

“So. Where do we start?”

The Doctor winced at Yaz’s question, hands poised over the Tardis controls. “Those relics are guarded around the clock. They’re in a glass vault on a mountaintop, bang in the middle of Koissar’s biggest city - millions, literally millions of people from all across the universe come to look at them every single day. Whoever did this, and did it _unnoticed_ , really had to know what they were doing.” She scratched her head, twisting her mouth to the side. “This is out of my depth.”

Yaz raised her eyebrows. “Didn’t think anything was out of _your_ depth.”

“Aw, Yaz.” The Doctor waved a modest hand, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. “But we’re talking about skilled crime here. Really skilled. Probably part of a network. Not really my area.” She tapped out a rhythm against the handbrake, thinking. “We need someone with inside info.” 

“So… a criminal?” Ryan guessed. 

“Precisely.”

“Do you have someone in mind?”

The Doctor thought for a moment, and then a wide grin split across her face.

“Oh, no.” Graham shook his head furiously. “Not that face. That’s the face you make right before you take us somewhere that ends in us running for our lives from killer androids. Or chained up in Elizabeth the Eighth’s royal dungeon. Or hanging upside-down in a giant alien wasp’s nest.”

“Oh, that was a great afternoon, wasn’t it?” The Doctor hurtled around the controls, flicking levers and pushing buttons. 

They all answered at the same time. “No!”

“Nah, you’re remembering it wrong.” She rocked back on her feet as they landed with a bump. “C’mon!”

They stepped outside the Tardis onto a lawn with trees and fountains, people hurrying across it in all directions clutching satchels and books. At the far end was a set of wide marble steps, peppered with people eating sandwiches and playing on phones and flipping through papers, leading up to a huge columned building with hundreds of windows. It looked surprisingly nondescript by the Doctor’s standards until they looked up, and saw their home planet floating in the sky. 

“Hang on.” Yaz pointed at Earth. “Are we on the moon?”

“Yep. Ten points to Yaz,” the Doctor called back, already striding halfway across the lawn. “Luna University! Your lot starts building it around five hundred years from your time.” She leapt up the front steps to the entrance two at a time as they ran after her. “One of the best universities in the entire universe, this.”

“What are we doing here?” 

“I’ll explain in a bit. Or I won’t. Haven’t decided yet.”

They followed her up several flights of stairs and down long winding corridors until they passed under a stone arch with ARCHAEOLOGY carved overhead. When they caught up to the Doctor she was squinting at a holographic timetable on the wall next to a set of double doors. 

Graham frowned at her. “I’m a bit old to be going to uni lectures, Doc.”

“Oh, Graham. You’re never too old to learn!” The Doctor checked her watch. “We should catch the last five minutes.”

She held a finger to her lips, then eased one of the doors open and beckoned them inside.

They shuffled into the last four seats in the back row of a packed auditorium, everyone around them tapping on keyboards or scribbling in notebooks, but all eyes were on the front of the room. On the stage was a screen showing a sandy-coloured planet, a table displaying a row of fossils, and a woman between them.

“I want you to forget everything that you think you know about the universe,” the professor told the room as the four of them took their seats. There was an awed hush as she spoke; there was something about her that compelled them to hang on her every word. 

She paced from one end of the stage to the other as she talked until the projector lit her up in the golden colours of the planet on the screen, making the wild springy curls of her hair look like a halo, or spiralling fire, or both at the same time.

“Because if life in fact began in the dunes of Suterran Four - life which had evolved into the complex organisms that these remains suggest, billions of years before this solar system as we know it even came to exist - the very essence of how we understand our place in the universe must be challenged.”

Graham leaned across to the Doctor, who had her elbows on the desk and her chin propped up in her hands, listening to the professor with a dazed smile. “Doc, do we have time for this?”

The Doctor looked at him like he’d just set off a flare. “Shhh!”

“So I don’t just want you to look at the slides, and attend the seminars,” the professor was saying, slipping her hands into her suit pockets. “I don’t want to read something you’ve memorised out of a book. I want you to _think_. Then I want you to challenge your thinking; again, and again, and again. And remember the golden rule of astro-archaeology; nothing is at it seems.”

She was silent for a moment with just a hint of a smile on her face, like she knew that she held the room in the palm of her hand. 

“Don’t forget that your papers on the Suterran planets are due next week. Thank you.” Right on cue, a bell sounded and everyone rose collectively, stuffing their laptops and textbooks away.

The Doctor sprang to her feet and slalomed her way through the students as they filed out, bounding down the steps and vaulting over the front chairs. The professor spotted her and instantly raised her eyes to the ceiling. “Oh, god.”

The Doctor plucked one of the artefacts off the desk, flipping it over in her hands. “Think I prefer hello sweetie.” 

The woman caught the artefact in mid-air, snatching it away. “That’s over two thousand years old!”

The Doctor grinned. “So am I.”

“Yes, dear, but you can withstand a bit of manhandling.”

The Doctor hoisted herself up onto the desk, swinging her legs in mid-air. “Is that a threat or a promise?”

Her three friends watched from a safe distance at the edge of the stage. “Is that… is she _flirting_?” Ryan whispered in Graham’s ear.

“Spoilers.” The professor gave the Doctor a sharp look as she placed the artefacts carefully into a case. “What have I told you about sitting in on my lectures?”

“I was quiet this time! I didn’t even point out the massive inconsistencies about the findings on Suterran Four-”

“Doctor,” the professor interrupted, shaking her head. “We are not having this argument again-”

“It’s not an _argument_ , it’s just a fact that soldiers were displaced there during the Bone battles in the same timeframe that the fossils date back to-” 

“That was never proven,” she shot back.

The Doctor folded her arms. “I was there.”

“So was I.”

Apparently reaching an impasse, the professor pursed her lips and moved over to the podium, flicking a switch on it that changed the display on the holographic board. It flashed through a series of slides with colourful images of planets and stars and unidentifiable fossils, and then turned black.

“Is annoying me your sole purpose of this visit, or do you actually want something?” the professor asked as she pulled a small chip from a compartment inside the podium.

“The Koissavi relics,” the Doctor announced, circling her and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“You mean the sacred triad?” The professor didn’t even blink. “What about them?”

“They’ve been stolen.”

She glanced up, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Impressive.”

“I promised I’d get them back.”

She blew on the chip and tucked it into her blazer pocket. “And you want my help?”

“Well actually, I wanted to check you weren’t the thief.”

“Rude.”

“And then I thought you might fancy a little treasure hunt around the universe.” The Doctor drummed her knuckles on the podium wood. “What do you say?”

The professor flipped through a book that lay open on the podium. “I’m incredibly busy, darling.”

“Darling?” Yaz mouthed.

The Doctor’s face fell. “So you won’t come?”

“I didn’t say that.” She smiled for the first time. “But you’ll have to ask very nicely.”

The Doctor relaxed against the podium, leaning in close to her with a dopey grin. “I always do.”

“Mmm.” The professor swayed infinitesimally towards her, and then her eyes flicked in Yaz, Graham and Ryan’s direction. “We appear not to be alone.”

“Oh! Right - fam. Um. Fam!” She stepped back and made an extravagant sweeping gesture towards the woman. “Meet Professor Song. The best archaeologist the universe has ever seen.”

Professor Song raised an eyebrow, shooting the Doctor a sharp sideways glance. “That’s how you’re introducing me?”

“That was very flattering!” she protested.

Graham stepped forwards, Yaz and Ryan following suit. “Nice to meet you, Professor.”

She held out her hand, shaking each of theirs in turn. “Please, call me River. Now, let’s see. Graham, Ryan, and Yaz, am I right? It’s nice to put faces to your names. I’ve heard a lot about you all.”

“Like what?” Yaz asked.

“Good stuff!” the Doctor chimed in quickly. “All good stuff.”

River gave them a knowing smile, picking up the case full of artefacts and immediately handing it off to the Doctor. “Step into my office, the four of you.”

“We should probably get a shift on,” the Doctor said, trying to balance the weight of the case in her arms. “The Tardis is at the other end of the campus.”

“Yes, but my best brandy is in my filing cabinet. I’ve just spent the best part of my day attempting to teach the minutiae of fossil dating to hungover eighteen-year-olds - believe me, I need a drink.”

She strode across the stage and out of a door at the far end without another word.

“Are we following her?” Graham asked.

“I’ve found it’s generally a bad idea.” The Doctor had already set off after her. “Probably why I do it.”

River had disappeared out of view by the time they got out into the corridor but the Doctor seemed to know the way, leading them around corners until they found her at the top of a small spiral staircase. River pushed a keycard against a panel in a door that had a sign on it saying _Professor R. Song_ and _Head Of Department - Archaeology_ beneath, beckoning them all inside.

The Doctor ran straight to the swivel chair behind the desk and jumped into it, spinning around before emptying a jar of coloured paper clips out and arranging them into a chain. Yaz, Ryan and Graham spread out as River turned her back to place the chip of lecture slides into a drawer, getting a closer look at the treasures adorning the office. Ryan gravitated towards a display of swords on the wall, while Graham wandered over to shelves running the length of the far wall housing everything from painted vases, to small statues, to fossils encased in lumps of rock.

Yaz was drawn to a small three-piece photo frame on the desk, wedged between a pencil pot and a cactus. The picture on the left had River in the centre with a red crown on her head, the paper Christmas-cracker type, smirking with one eyebrow raised. On one side of her was a red-haired woman caught mid-laugh and a blond man with a long nose looking more than a little unimpressed. On the other side of her was a man dressed in a tweed jacket, a bow tie and a Santa hat clamped down over a mop of floppy hair, his arm around River’s waist and an impish open-mouthed smile on his face. The photo on the right was of River again, this time with just one person - an older man with grey curls and sharp eyebrows despite his soft smile. Neither of them was looking at the camera but at each other, River’s hand splayed across the man’s chest and a beaming smile on her face.

And the photo in the centre, the biggest one, was of River and the Doctor - River halfway through an eye-roll, looking like she was fighting a smile but not really winning, and the Doctor’s face scrunched up in a grin with her arms thrown around River’s shoulders and their cheeks squished together.

Yaz peered closer at the photo. “Hey, Doctor-”

“So. These relics.” River pulled open a nondescript filing cabinet to reveal a fridge full of bottles and what looked abstractly like food, except not any kind of food they’d ever seen on Earth - apart from a packet of jelly beans, which she pulled out and tossed over to the Doctor. “I take it you’ve run their images through the Tardis database, see if they’ve shown up anywhere anachronistically. Drink?”

They all shook their heads. River shrugged, pouring herself a glass as she talked. “And I assume you’ve scanned the area for artron energy, so we can see if we’re dealing with a search through time as well as space.”

The Doctor sank down in the chair, throwing a jelly bean into her mouth. “I… haven’t got ‘round to it yet.”

“You must at least have got hold of a copy of the admissions from the docks? They photo-ID everyone who passes through.” The Doctor scrunched her nose, and River rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

“Whoa,” Ryan whispered, loudly enough to catch River’s attention. He cleared his throat. “You know a lot about this stuff.”

“You could say that. I’m not usually on _this_ side of things, but - to catch a thief, as they say.”

“Who are you, exactly?” Yaz asked, her eyes flicking briefly to the photo on the desk. “How do you know the Doctor?” 

River shot the Doctor a look, an amused smirk on her face. “Doctor?” 

The Doctor squirmed under the four expectant pairs of eyes on her, then threw River what looked like a pleading glance. “Uh. We’re kind of dealing with a time-pressured scenario here.”

River rolled her eyes again. “Come on, then. Let’s get to the Tardis.” She knocked back the remainder of her brandy in one, then plucked a long redwine-coloured trench coat from a hook on the wall and slipped into it. “Where did you say you were parked?”

“The Armstrong wing.”

“Oh - that’s miles away! You always do this. Why can’t you just park outside my office?”

“You told me off last time!”

“Because _last time_ you landed _in_ my office and crushed my favourite Qing vase.”

“She landed on my best chair once,” Graham piped up. River glared at the Doctor.

“Why do I let you out?”

Yaz, Ryan and Graham filed out of River’s office and followed her and the Doctor at a safe distance. They watched the two of them walk side-by-side up ahead, deeply engaged in a conversation that they couldn’t quite hear.

“ _What_ is going on?” Yaz whispered.

Graham shook his head slowly as River whispered something that made the Doctor laugh so loudly that it bounced off the walls. “Haven’t the foggiest.”

“I’ve never seen her like that before. I didn’t even know she could _be -_ like that. Do you think -” Yaz tilted her head, squinting at them. “You don’t think they’re-”

“Ok, too weird,” Ryan interjected. “This is the _Doctor_ we’re talking about!”

“But they seem… sort of…”

The Doctor clicked her fingers in the air suddenly, twirling around. “Fam,” she called to them as she walked backwards in pace with River. “Remember when we saved Anne Lister from that rogue Sontaran fleet in the early nineteenth century?”

“Yeah.” 

“And?”

Yaz rolled her eyes at the Doctor’s expectant look. “...And I remember her proposing to you.”

The Doctor grinned and spun back, raising her eyebrows at River. “See? Told you so. Eight times, she asked me. Which was weird, ‘cause I’d met her once before with a different face and she barely looked at me twice.”

“Funny, that.” 

River led them down the steps and out across the green, reaching the Tardis first and pulling a key from her shirt that fit perfectly into the door.

“You’ve got a key!” Graham frowned at the Doctor. “You’ve never given us keys!”

River smirked as the Doctor’s mouth opened and closed uselessly, slipping inside the Tardis.

“Is she special or something?” Ryan asked, quirking his eyebrows at the Doctor. She pushed herself through the doors with an inward groan, and Ryan smirked at the others. “I reckon that’s a yes.”

River was at the controls when they followed them inside. She snapped her fingers, making the doors slam shut behind them. “Double five, one, seven, epsilon delta four slash Eridani,” she called to the Doctor, who typed something into the console.

“Set.”

“Thank you, dear.” River pulled a lever on the console, and the Tardis rotor whirred to life.

“You can fly the Tardis!” Yaz exclaimed, watching her with fascination. “Doctor, I thought only you could do that.”

River snorted. “Barely.”

“Oi!” 

The three of them hovered at the edge of the console room, watching with folded arms as the Doctor and River darted around the controls. The Tardis shuddered when the Doctor wound a lever clockwise and River winced, batting her hand away to yank it back anti-clockwise.

Ryan nudged Yaz. “You ask her.”

“What, you think she’s just gonna tell us? We don’t even know her _name_.”

Graham stuck his head between them. “What are you two whispering about?” 

Ryan and Yaz nodded in the direction of the Doctor and River. 

“ _Oh._ Hey - Doc.” Graham edged over with Yaz and Ryan hot on his heels, nudging the Doctor where she stood reading the monitor as River zipped around the controls, lowering his voice. “You still haven’t explained who she is.”

“Haven’t I?” the Doctor asked innocently, swiping a custard cream out of the dispenser and shoving it in her mouth in one go. “She’s River,” she mumbled through a mouthful of biscuit. “She’s an archaeologist.”

“Yes, we know that much, but - _who_ is she? You know... to you?”

The Doctor pointed to her mouth with an apologetic shrug, chewing the remainder of her custard cream dramatically.

Yaz crossed her arms. “If we’re going into something that you said yourself was even out of _your_ depth, I want to know who we’re going with.”

“Agreed.” Ryan gave her a look. “Don’t know about you, Yaz, but I don’t fancy another O-slash-Master situation anytime soon. Or _ever_.”

“She’s not like that,” the Doctor promised. “You can trust her.”

River draped herself across the controls to whisper to them suddenly, apparently having overheard the entire conversation. “Oh, I make a point of not being trustworthy.”

“You’re not helping!” the Doctor hissed.

“Have we missed something here? You said we were dealing with criminals,” Graham said, gesturing at River. “And then you went and picked up an - academic.”

“Don’t put people in boxes, Graham!” the Doctor scolded. “Academics can be criminals too.”

“Often are,” River muttered without looking up, punching in commands with practised ease. “Here we go! This is where we’re headed.” She hopped over to them to push a button on the side of the monitor. The image of a ship flickered into view, a sleek silver starliner floating in deep space, lively shapes dancing in the windows. “I have a hunch about the relics, connected with this ship. I’ve got us set up to land inside.”

The Doctor nodded. “Brill. Let’s do it.”

“So are you?” 

River’s head shot up at Yaz’s question. “Am I…?”

“A criminal.”

“Criminal’s a rather subjective term, don’t you think?”

The Doctor cleared her throat abruptly, nudging River in the ribs and nodding to Yaz. “Police officer.”

“Ah.” River smirked at Yaz. “Space is like international water - no laws to break.”

The Doctor scoffed. “I think the Shadow Proclamation would have something to say about that.” River rolled her eyes as she leaned into her until their noses almost touched, muttering. “Also, the word criminal isn’t _really_ that subjective the way _you_ do it.”

River arched an eyebrow. “You’ve never had any complaints about the way I _do it_.”

“Uh - Doctor?”

The Doctor’s head snapped up as if she’d momentarily forgotten that she wasn’t alone with River. “Nothing!” she blurted out, springing away from her and burying her hands deep in her pockets.

“Doctor, is she -” Yaz stammered, gesturing between them helplessly. “Are - are you -”

River smirked, leaning in to murmur against the shell of the Doctor’s ear just loud enough for them to catch. “You never could be subtle.” 

“Shut up,” she muttered, her cheeks flaming. “Fancy helping?”

“Absolutely not.” River dug her in the back, forcing her to totter forwards towards her friends. The Doctor looked like she wanted to curl in on herself.

“ _Fine_. Fine. If you really must know…” She took a deep breath, clasping her hands in front of her solemnly.

“I’m her husband.”

They returned her expectant stare blankly. River watched them with her hip propped on the console, clearly amused, letting a few awkward seconds pass before supplying helpfully, “Wife.” 

“Wife! That’s the one.” She squeezed her eyes shut, snapping her finger. “Argh. I’ll get it the first time one day.”

“Hang on a sec,” Graham spluttered. “You’re married?! When did this happen?”

“Oh, roughly a thousand years ago.”

“Or a couple of centuries,” River countered.

The Doctor threw her a grin. “Or at the beginning and the end of the universe.”

“Or all of the above.”

“You never mentioned you had… a wife,” Ryan said slowly, eyes darting between them as they laughed at their own inside joke. “An actual... proper wife.”

The Doctor shrugged. “Never had a flowchart handy.”

“How come this is the first time we’ve met you?” Yaz asked River, thinking back to the photos on the desk and recalling all the Doctor’s comments about being a man that she’d never given much thought to because, well, it was the Doctor. “We’ve been travelling with the Doctor for years now.”

“Long story,” the Doctor answered. 

“Long story short, I was dead,” River added casually.

“And now she’s not.”

Graham squinted. “How’s that?”

“A thing happened.”

The Doctor grinned proudly. “I’m the thing.”

Graham stopped for a second, looking between them both. “You’re _married_.”

The Doctor nodded slowly. “Think we’ve established that, Graham.”

“No, but-” Graham raised his eyebrows at River, pointing a thumb in the Doctor’s direction. “ _Really_?”

River bit her lip to contain a smirk. “It’s a question I ask myself frequently.”

The Doctor’s mouth fell open. “Oi! In the room!"

Ryan held his hand up. “I still have a lot of questions.”

“All in good time.” River stepped away from the controls, turning on her heel and heading up the stairs. “I’m going to get changed,” she called back to them. “I suggest you all do the same.”

“Where are we going?”

River smiled as she glanced back, a glint in her eye. “A party.”

The three of them rounded on the Doctor the moment River disappeared out of sight, buzzing around her in excited frenzy.

She eyed them warily. “What?”

“You’re someone’s _wife_!” Graham hissed. 

The Doctor grinned happily until Yaz whacked her arm. “Ow!”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“You didn’t ask!”

Ryan frowned. “I still don’t get it. Is she secretly a robot, or - or a fish person or something? I don’t know, you’re _you,_ and she seems - well, kind of - normal.”

The Doctor snorted with laughter. “Wow.”

“What?”

“I’ve just never heard anyone describe River as normal before." She shuddered, rolling her shoulders. "Weird.” 

Ryan narrowed his eyes at her. “Is she at least _part_ -robot?”

“Cyborg. Is the word you’re looking for.” Their eyes widened. “...And no. She’s married one or two, though.” 

“She’s what?”

“Oh - _so_ many stories to tell you.” She grinned. “She’s good. _Really_ good. Smart, funny. Kind. You’ll like her. Promise.” She mimed crossing her hearts, then twirled on her heel and ran up the stairs before they could get any more questions in. “Right - chop chop, fam! Go and get your Sunday best on. I’ll meet you back here in ten.”


	2. The Queens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How did you two meet?”  
> “Which time?” the Doctor asked.  
> “We used to meet out of order,” River explained. “Collateral damage of being married time travellers. The first time she met me, I burned to death saving a library from some carnivorous shadows and got downloaded into a computer.”  
> “And the first time she met me,” the Doctor chipped in, “She got shot by Hitler and then murdered me with poisoned lipstick.”  
> Graham massaged his head. “Is there a way to explain all that that’s not going to give me a headache?”  
> The Doctor scrunched her nose apologetically. “Probably not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love on this story, I've been completely blown away by all the comments and they mean the world! I hope you enjoy this next instalment.

“Ok. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with… T.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Grandad. You can’t just keep saying _thingamajig_.”

“Well-” Graham gestured helplessly at the Tardis console. “I don’t know what anything’s called, do I?” He puffed out his cheeks, sliding his suit jacket sleeve up to check his watch. “I hope they have a buffet at this party. I’m getting peckish.”

Yaz shifted her weight from foot to foot impatiently, fiddling with the ribbon on her blouse. “She did say ten minutes, yeah?”

“Well, she’s hardly known for being punctual.”

“Maybe she’s got lost. I got lost one night.” Ryan frowned, casting a suspicious eye at the Tardis ceiling. “I somehow ended up at a boating lake.”

“Sorry!” 

The Doctor announced herself breathlessly, and they spun around to find their friend bounding down the console room steps in a tuxedo and a forest-green bow tie with a gold trim. “Couldn’t settle on a tie.” Smoothing a hand over the back of her hair, she swept past them before they could ask any questions and pulled the handbrake, landing them with a bump.

“So we’re on that ship?” Yaz asked, pointing to the image that River had pulled up on the monitor earlier.

“Yep.” The Doctor twisted a dial on the side of the screen, making some circular symbols come up that she seemed to be able to read. “Big fancy starliner for hire. There’s loads of them by this century. You can hop on board for dinner, a party, some dancing…”

Yaz’s face fell. “Why do we always come to places like this on business?”

“It’ll still be fun!” the Doctor promised. “Once we’ve got the relics back.”

“And you reckon they’re definitely on board, do you?” Graham asked. “You’re happy going off this... hunch?”

“I am when it’s River’s.”

The three of them exchanged a knowing smile as the Doctor squinted at the monitor. “Is she coming?”

“She’ll just be a mo. She always takes longer getting dressed. I mean - changed.” She cleared her throat abruptly, ducking around them and running towards the doors. “C’mon! Let’s check out this party.”

She waited for them to join her before throwing the doors open dramatically, then wrinkled her nose when they were met with a dingy room full of coats. “Voila! Oh. Cloakroom. Hold on.”

She ushered them forwards through the rails a few steps to a door at the far end which held the promising buzz of chatter and music beyond it. It opened up to a sweeping foyer with glittering quartz pillars propping up the ceiling, where a huge crystal chandelier held candles which illuminated elaborate paintings of gods above their heads, wall-length windows to the stars on either side of them framed with red velvet curtains. 

“Wow,” Yaz breathed. “This looks fancy.”

“Doc - do you think there’ll be canapes?”

“Yes, Graham, there’ll be canapes.” The Doctor straightened her bow tie absent-mindedly, whistling under her breath. “This is one of the nicest ones I’ve seen. Tickets must cost a fortune.”

“Oh, but my taste is nothing if not expensive.”

Their heads whipped around to find River posed in the doorway they’d just come out of, like she’d been waiting for an opportunity to announce her presence. Her hair was somehow bigger than the last time they’d seen it, with diamond earrings sparkling through her corkscrew curls, a shimmer around her eyes and her lips painted in deep red. Her dress was the same colour as the Doctor’s tie, deep green with gold laced into it, and it flowed out behind her as she strode forwards, heels like gunshots against the marble floor. The four of them parted to the side automatically and she stood at the head of the group, surveying the foyer with her hands at her hips.

“All the guests should be on board within the hour.” River glanced over her shoulder briefly, noting their open-mouthed stares, and smirked. “Shall we?”

The Doctor offered River her elbow, leaning in to whisper against her ear. “You did that on purpose.”

Her smirk widened, and she bumped her wife’s hip teasingly. “I don’t know what you mean, dear.”

Graham nudged the Doctor, nodding to a well-dressed attendant seated at a desk up ahead with a plaque on it that read _ARRIVALS_. “Uh - how do we get in?” 

“I have my hallucinogenic lipstick,” River suggested casually, raising an eyebrow at the attendant. “I wouldn’t have any complaints about using it.”

“That won’t be necessary, dearest. Hang on.” The Doctor let go of River to pat her hands over her pockets, digging inside one until her arm disappeared right up to the elbow. “I’m sure I left it in this coat... Ah-ha!” She brandished a small card from her jacket and marched forwards. “The Queens of Skittero Seven,” she announced, flashing the card under the attendant’s nose and gesturing at herself and her wife. “Oh - might be down as King and Queen.” She circled her face. “Upgrade.”

The attendant dropped into a deep bow without hesitation. “Your Majesties. Please accept the deepest gratitude of all the staff aboard for gracing us with your presence.”

“Gratitude accepted.” River fluffed her hair daintily, looking more than a little smug, and nodded to Yaz, Graham and Ryan. “Our entourage, naturally. I trust you can extend your welcome?”

“Of course.” The attendant nodded at them politely. “Greetings.”

“Where’s our bow?” Yaz asked the Doctor indignantly as the attendant pushed a button on the desk that made an archway appear out of nowhere in the wall.

“You’re not royalty. No offence.”

“Neither are you!” She narrowed her eyes. “Are you?”

“Nah. Fake ID, right?” Graham murmured. “Nice one.”

“Oh, it’s not fake. It was our anniversary,” she explained in response to their puzzled frowns. “I was aiming for fifteenth-century Verona.” She winced. “Missed it by a couple of galaxies. Stumbled across a planet with this great little species. Think frogs, but taller. With more heads. And they’d never seen anyone with hair before, so they sort of started worshipping us. Next thing we knew, we were sitting on these massive thrones in crowns made out of leaves. We just sort of went with it.” She shrugged. “Total accident, but it does get us on all the VIP lists.”

“Sounds like a fun anniversary.”

The corner of River’s mouth curled up. “Oh, it doesn’t even crack the top fifty.”

“You two do this sort of thing a lot, then?” Yaz asked, raising her eyebrows at the Doctor as they headed through the archway and into an intimately-lit room with a bar spanning the whole length of the far wall and tables dotted by the windows, occupied by groups raising toasts and playing cards and chattering in several languages, or perhaps codes, that apparently even the Tardis couldn't translate. “Is this what you do when you’re not with us?”

“Not all the time,” she answered innocently, swaying in time to the hum of the music as she walked. “Sometimes I just hang out in the Tardis and play Scrabble.”

“By yourself?”

She grinned impishly. “I’m really good.”

Graham nudged her. “Hey, I love Scrabble! We should play sometime.”

River shook her head at him in warning. “Have you ever tried to play Scrabble with someone who has a working understanding of every known language in the universe?”

The Doctor waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t listen to her. She’s just a sore loser. Didn’t speak to me for _three weeks_ last time we played.”

River’s eyes narrowed menacingly. “You cheated, and you know it.”

The Doctor pinched her waist lightly, stifling a grin. “Are you going to make me sleep on Nardole’s sofa again?”

River sighed. “I hate you.”

The Doctor shook her head at Yaz, Graham and Ryan, beaming triumphantly. “She doesn’t.”

Graham crept up on River’s free side. “Now, you’re sure you’re her wife?” he teased, nodding to the Doctor. “Not someone she’s taken hostage? You can tell us.”

“Blink twice if you need rescuing,” Ryan added in an exaggerated whisper. 

The Doctor’s forehead puckered. “Hey!”

River chuckled. “I think we’re going to get along splendidly. Who fancies a drink?”

She led the way to the lively bar, grabbing menus from an ornate gold stand and handing one to each of them.

“What should we order?” Ryan whispered to Graham.

“I’ve no idea.”

River leaned over them, tapping a fingernail against the longest name on the cocktails page. “Try that one. You’ll love it.”

Yaz glanced up, and scooted over to River with her menu. “I like the sound of the… Cassiopeia Electric Fizz. What’s that like?”

“Oh, excellent choice! Get it with the ice cream float, it’s delicious.”

Yaz grinned smugly. Graham tapped River on the shoulder. “Prof, uh - how do I pronounce mine?”

“I’ve got you.” River flagged down the bartender to order the whole round for all of them with ease. The bartender said something to her that none of them could understand - apart from the Doctor, seemingly, whose eyes flicked up sharply to glare at them - which made River chuckle and shoot back a response in what sounded like the same language that made the scarlet frills around the bartender’s neck stand on end as they emitted a high-pitched trill.

“You didn’t order anything for yourself,” Yaz realised as River passed the last drink - a tall rippled glass swirling with fizzing rainbow liquid and three bendy straws sticking out of it - to the Doctor, who grabbed onto it with a delighted gasp.

River winked at her. “Don’t worry.”

She led them to an empty round table carved from amethyst by the window, overlooking a spectacular view of distant nebulae as the ship cruised through the stars.

“So.” Graham took a sip of his drink, and his eyebrows shot up. “Ooh - spicy! Stolen relics. What are we doing here?”

River leaned into the middle of the table, and they all swayed closer to her like magnets. “This ship plays host to the most exclusive parties for the universe’s richest.”

“Reminds me a bit of Harmony and Redemption,” the Doctor observed, chewing on her straw as she surveyed the room.

River hummed. “Only worse. At least everyone in our little genocide club didn’t bother pretending to be something they weren’t.”

They drew their heads back. “You weren’t in a genocide club?” Graham yelped.

“She was my plus one,” River answered for her, a cheeky sparkle in her eye. The Doctor opened her mouth, but before she could defend herself the waiter slid between them with a full champagne flute in his hand, placing it down in front of River.

“For you, ma’am. From the gentleman at the ruby table.”

“Why, thank you.” River glanced over at the table that the waiter had indicated. “Which gentleman, exactly?”

“The one with the beard, ma’am.”

She tilted her head, eyes trailing leisurely over the man. “Hmm. Not bad.”

“What?” The Doctor gaped at her. “You _hated_ my beard! You held me down and shaved it off! Both times!”

River rolled her eyes, brandishing a tarnished device that lit up blue and burred as she pointed it at the drink. “Is that another sonic screwdriver?” Yaz asked through a spoonful of ice cream, watching the device hum in her hand.

“Yes.”

“It’s like the Doctor’s!”

“ _Yes_. Only better.” The Doctor narrowed her eyes at her playfully, and River smirked.

“What are you scanning for?”

She swirled the screwdriver around the glass. “Just checking it’s not poisoned. One can’t be too careful.”

Yaz frowned. “Who would want to poison you?”

River grinned wickedly. “Oh, about half the universe, at my last count.” 

“What kind of archaeology professor is she?” Ryan muttered to the Doctor.

The Doctor dropped her voice just low enough so that River couldn’t hear it. “A scary one.”

When the screwdriver gave a resounding beep, River took a long sip of her drink. “Mmm. As I was saying; the thing about parties full of people who could buy entire solar systems… is that they inevitably attract sellers.”

“You think whoever stole the relics is going to try to _sell_ them?” Graham asked. “Here?”

Yaz frowned. “But - they’re sacred. The whole galaxy was out looking for them, you said.”

“Heavy pockets generally equals light on principles. Any guest here only cares how those relics will look on the walls of their palace.”

“What about the security guards?” Ryan asked. “Would they not stop people selling stuff?”

River shook her head. “They’re here to protect the people on board, not police them. There’s a general understanding that if you’re hired to work on a ship like this, you turn a blind eye to pretty much everything that goes on inside. People of this ranking are untouchable.”

The waiter circled back to the table, placing a glass full of flaming liquid in front of River. “From the distinguished guest by the Artemis comet viewing portal.”

“Oh, _very_ nice.”

“How do the sellers get in?” Ryan asked, patting the Doctor’s hand placatingly as River looked over at the sender of the drink, a slender creature with two heads and silver skin, and mimed a telephone with her hand.

“Bribery. Fake IDs. Counterfeit tickets,” River answered. “High-risk, but if you sell the right things to the right people while you’re here, you’ll be made for life.”

“And how do you know it’ll be this party, on this ship?”

River shrugged, blowing on her drink. “Educated guess. Same region of the universe, same time zone. The final party of the season on the most expensive starliner - if I wanted to sell those relics at a decent profit, this is where I’d be.”

Graham raised an eyebrow. “Speaking from experience?”

The corner of River’s mouth curled up as she leaned into the centre of the table, whispering loudly. “I once stole the most valuable diamond in the universe.”

“How did you do that?”

“Incredibly. Until _someone_ undid all my hard work by giving it back.” She gave the Doctor a pointed glare.

The Doctor’s mouth fell open, and she held a hand to her chest. “’Scuse me! I had you a restaurant built with the reward money!”

“What?” Yaz looked between them as River rolled her eyes. “You built her a _restaurant_?”

The Doctor smiled, wiggling her eyebrows. “Told you I was romantic.”

The waiter popped up again almost as quickly as he’d departed, handing River another tall clouded glass with a forced smile. “From Her Majesty in the azbantium booth, m’lady.”

“No!” the Doctor gasped. “Is that a betrothal cocktail?” 

“What’s a betrothal cocktail?”

“Most expensive drink on the menu,” River explained, pulling it closer and running her finger around the pink sugar-coated rim. “Which in this place, is saying something.”

“What makes it so expensive?”

“Let’s see…” River dunked her hand inside the glass and fished around inside before pulling out a ring encrusted with sparkling diamonds. “This will do it.”

Yaz gasped. “Oh my god! Is that -” She spared the Doctor a pitying glance, though her friend didn’t seem entirely surprised. “Is that an engagement ring?”

“Not a bad one, at that.” River held the ring up to the light. “Her Majesty… I wonder what she’s queen of...”

“River!” the Doctor admonished as her wife slipped the ring onto the third finger of her left hand, wiggling her fingers so that it twinkled under the lights.

“When you get me a ring, we’ll talk,” River answered breezily, throwing a wink over at the veiled private booth, where a pair of glowing orange eyes winked back.

Graham watched them with a fond smile. “How did you two meet?” 

“Which time?” the Doctor asked, half-preoccupied aggressively mashing the ice in her drink with a straw as she glared at the ring.

“We used to meet out of order,” River explained, squeezing the Doctor’s arm lightly in a way that made her abruptly stop sulking. “Collateral damage of being married time travellers. The first time she met me, I burned to death saving a library from some carnivorous shadows and got downloaded into a computer.”

“And the first time she met me,” the Doctor chipped in, “She got shot by Hitler and then murdered me with poisoned lipstick.”

Graham massaged his head. “Is there a way to explain all that that’s not going to give me a headache?”

The Doctor scrunched her nose apologetically. “Probably not.”

“So you do the whole space-time travel thing too, then,” Yaz said to River. “How come you’re an archaeologist?”

“Oh, because I love it! It helps me make sense of it all.” Her whole face softened as she met the Doctor’s gaze, and for a brief moment she looked like an entirely different person. “My handle on the universe.”

“What species are you?” Ryan asked, then frowned at himself. “Sorry. Is that a rude question?”

River laughed. “Not at all. My parents were human. But they travelled with the Doctor, once upon a time. Meaning...” She leaned over to plant her hands over the Doctor’s ears. “I was _conceived_ on board the Tardis.” She dropped her hands, pinching her wife’s cheek when she gave her a confused look. “In the time vortex. It gave me abilities that the vast majority of the universe would attribute to Time Lords.”

Yaz noticed River’s fingers seek out the Doctor’s on the table, twining them together as she talked. The Doctor seemed to be grateful for it, and they shared a brief glance that looked full of something that Yaz suspected none of them would be able to understand.

“So you’ve known the Doctor since you were a kid?” she asked. 

“In a manner of speaking.”

“Wrong order, remember,” the Doctor reminded Yaz, giving River a soft smile. “I knew River long before I met her mum and dad.”

“But then… how-”

“Oh - here we go,” River said as the ship jolted slightly and domed buildings came into view outside. “Docking on the final asteroid. This is the busiest pick-up point. Let’s head over to the ballroom - that’s where the guests mingle. If anything’s being sold tonight, it’ll most likely be in there.”

They quickly finished their drinks and followed River up a flight of stairs, onto a floor where an orchestra greeted them - an orchestra in the sense that several instruments were being played, though all by the same creature, who had two of their twenty or so arms on a grand piano, another two on a violin, and the rest tapping on drums and plucking various stringed instruments that looked like vague descendants of harps and guitars. Couples swayed in time to the music in the centre of the room, under a domed ceiling made entirely of glass where galaxies swirled over their heads.

“Oh, canapes! Get in!” Graham exclaimed, making a beeline for the food table.

“The new passengers should be heading this way in a few minutes,” River told them. “In the meantime, we should be making an effort to blend in. Dancing is encouraged.” She smiled, offering her hand to the Doctor. “May I, sweetie?”

Yaz gawked at them when the Doctor took her hand with a giddy grin. “You dance?” 

The Doctor nodded proudly. “I’ve won over three hundred interplanetary dance competitions.”

“ _We_ ,” River corrected her pointedly. “I taught her. I had my work cut out for me. She’s had more than one set of two left feet.”

“No. Hang on.” The Doctor frowned indignantly. “I taught _you_ how to dance! I took you to the Moulin Rouge in nineteen-twelve! I think we might have accidentally brought the Tango to Europe a couple of years early.”

River gasped. “Oh, yes! God, I was barely a hundred. That takes me back.”

“So, wait…” Ryan frowned, drawing lines in the air with his index fingers until they became tangled. “You taught her… and then she taught you, _before_ you taught her… so that you could then… teach her… before she… taught you… ”

“Looped timelines.” River smiled conspiratorially, her voice dropping like she was retelling a legend only for their ears. “We’re inevitable. Oh!” She held up a finger, following the tune flowing through the ballroom. “I love this waltz!” 

Ryan rubbed his forehead. “But then… if you taught her… because she taught-”

“Best not to overthink it. Gives you brain-freeze!” The Doctor patted Ryan’s shoulder just before River pulled her away. 

“Do I still lead?” they just caught her whispering to River as they headed to the centre of the dancefloor hand-in-hand. It only took them a split second to fall into step with the music, moving so effortlessly with the rise and fall of the melody that the other dancers parted for them and a small captivated audience formed around the edges of the floor to watch, with Yaz and Ryan part of it.

“Whoa!” Ryan gasped. “They’re not even trying!”

They oohed as the orchestra swelled into a frantic rhythm and the Doctor and River picked up their feet in time to it like they were weightless, impossibly close and never once looking down, but somehow managing to keep perfectly in sync.

“They were probably doing this before our great-grandparents were born,” Yaz pointed out.

“More like our great-grandparents’ great- _great_ -grandparents.”

“I’m glad she has someone,” Yaz said softly, watching them as the Doctor reached up on her tiptoes to twirl River around, and their bubbly laughter brought a smile to her face. “She seems so lonely sometimes.”

The doors opened up behind them seconds later, and an influx of new guests came flowing in. The Doctor and River continued to dance but whirled each other around so they could cast their eyes over each new guest in turn, all the while keeping perfectly in step with the music and holding a conversation that no-one else could hear. 

Graham wandered over, holding five sticks in one hand with bites of food skewered on them. “Now what?”

“Let’s split off.” They jumped, whipping their heads around to find the Doctor and River poised behind them. “Search the room,” River instructed them. “Blend in. Keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. Ask questions. Oh - avoid the tall ones with those purple bubbles on their heads. It’s their mating season, and they can get terribly clingy.”

Yaz grimaced. “Noted. What happens if we find the thief?”

River shrugged. “Maiming, slash, murder.” She flashed them a sly smile. “Depending on how much they annoy me.”

“I can’t tell if she’s joking,” Graham whispered as River swaggered away, leaving them staring after her.

“Hold on. River.” The Doctor hurried after her. “You can’t just-”

River stopped, turning back to her wife so abruptly that the Doctor’s shoes skidded on the floor. “Darling, did you or did you not call me specifically for help in getting these relics back?” she asked calmly.

“Yes, but-”

“Do you know how many potential suspects there are at this party who could possibly have stolen said relics?”

The Doctor’s jaw flexed. “No, I don’t know _exactly_ -”

“Four hundred and fourteen, if you’re interested. And do you know who not only knows each and every one of their names, but their individual purposes of being on this ship, and their relationships with one another?”

The Doctor toed at the ground with her shoe, pouting. “You?”

River quirked her eyebrows. “So do you want to do things your way, or mine?” 

“I feel like that’s a rhetorical question.”

“Ahh.” River bopped her on the nose. “Not just a pretty face!”

The Doctor sighed, calling after her as she strode through the ballroom. “Zero body count. _Zero_!”

River threw her a smirk over her shoulder. “I never make promises.”

Graham sidled up to the Doctor, digging his hands in his pockets. “Not just an archaeologist, is she?”

She smiled wryly. “You’re just getting that?”

“So what do we do now?”

“As she said. We follow her lead.”

“Even you?” Yaz asked as the Doctor began to work her way into the crowd. “Thought you were always the one in charge.”

“Now you’ve met her - a little something to bear in mind.” She twirled on her heel, facing them and spreading her arms wide to gesture at the ceiling full of the stars. “This is River Song’s universe. We’re just living in it.”


	3. Team Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River drummed her fingernails eagerly against the pillar, and the Doctor’s eyes swivelled to her sharply. “Stop it.”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “Thinking what you’re thinking.”
> 
> She pouted. “But I really want to.”
> 
> “You shouldn’t even be wearing micro-explosive earrings, River. Remember what happened last time?”
> 
> The corner of River’s mouth curled up. “Oh, I am good, aren’t I?”
> 
> “Hang on.” Yaz’s eyes boggled at the innocent-looking diamonds in River’s ears. “Micro-explosive what?”
> 
> “River…”
> 
> “Fine then,” she relented with a huff at the Doctor saying her name like a warning. “No death by exploding earrings.” A sudden wicked smile broke out across her face. “I’ll have my own fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay - a lot of life stuff happened and, honestly, I didn't want this story to end. I hope you enjoy this last chapter xx

After more than a dozen dead ends apiece as they worked their way around the guests in the ballroom, Yaz, Graham and Ryan couldn’t help stealing glances at the Doctor and River as they led the way, weaving through the room in tandem like they’d choreographed the whole thing. One of them would occasionally drift across the room to whisper in the other’s ear, or they would catch each other’s eye from afar and an almost imperceptible flick of their eyes or twitch of their hand would seem to tell them who to pursue next.

Half an hour later, Yaz danced up to River and the Doctor with a proud grin on her face. “Got him!”

“Go Yaz!” the Doctor exclaimed, high-fiving her. 

“Show me,” River murmured.

Yaz inclined her head behind them. “The one with the scales. He tried to sell me the dagger. I said I was an Empress from the Fields of Sheff.” 

“Oh, Yaz, you’re _good_. I think you’re my new favourite,” River purred, much to Yaz’s ill-concealed delight. “How much?”

“Three hundred and thirty billion, he said.” 

“Hmm.” River clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Not our original thief, then. He hasn’t the faintest idea what he’s selling, for starters. If you’d gone to that much trouble to steal relics like that, you’d know their value.”

“Then who is he?”

“At a guess, he’s doing our thief’s dirty work for a small cut.” River’s eyes followed the man sharply as he skulked along the edge of the ballroom and disappeared through a darkened archway by the buffet table. “Let’s follow him.”

The Doctor and River took off without pausing for breath, leaving Yaz swaying awkwardly in the middle of the room, until they both half-twirled around in the doorway and looked back at her expectantly.

“Well, come on, Yaz!” the Doctor called.

“Oh!” She grinned eagerly, running after them without hesitation.

The lively music of the ballroom grew faint as the three of them crept along the hallway, just far enough behind the thief to remain undetected. 

“Where’s he going?” Yaz asked them both when they were safely tucked behind a corner, peering around it to watch the thief swagger down the next hallway.

“Heading to the escape pods,” River answered, her voice low. “Off to maximise his cut, I expect.”

“You mean he’s going to leave with the dagger? We can’t let him go!”

“Don’t worry,” River assured Yaz, her eyes narrowing. “That’s the last thing I’m planning to do.”

The Doctor’s hand curled around her wife’s shoulder as she began to creep out from behind the wall. “Nothing too dangerous.”

“Have we met?” River shrugged her off with an impatient sigh. “Drop the puppy eyes. I’m on my best behaviour.”

“Colour me reassured,” the Doctor retorted dryly.

“Come on, you two,” Yaz whispered. “We need to get to him before he gets out of here.”

River nodded, smirking triumphantly at the Doctor. “What Yaz said.” 

They wound their way through the back corridors of the ship, ducking behind a column when the thief stopped to tap at a screen which illuminated a line of glass doors leading into small escape pods, stuck like bubbles to the hull of the ship.

“Hush!” River exclaimed suddenly.

Yaz jumped. “No-one said anything.”

“The Doctor is fretting very loudly in my head.” She rolled her eyes. “Honestly, you die _once_ in two hundred and twenty-four years and she gets all overprotective-”

“I am the exact right amount of protective!” the Doctor hissed defensively, wincing at Yaz. “Sorry. Sometimes we forget to talk out loud.”

“Ok… adding that to my list of things to ask about later.”

River drummed her fingernails eagerly against the pillar, and the Doctor’s eyes swivelled to her sharply. “Stop it.”

“What?”

“Thinking what you’re thinking.”

She pouted. “But I _really_ want to.”

“You shouldn’t even be _wearing_ micro-explosive earrings, River. Remember what happened last time?”

The corner of River’s mouth curled up. “Oh, I am good, aren’t I?”

“Hang on.” Yaz’s eyes boggled at the innocent-looking diamonds in River’s ears. “Micro-explosive _what_?”

“River…”

“Fine then,” she relented with a huff at the Doctor saying her name like a warning. “No death by exploding earrings.” A sudden wicked smile broke out across her face. “I’ll have my own fun.”

The Doctor called after her as she marched up to the thief. “River, be-”

River spun him around and lifted his burly body easily, pinning him to the wall by his neck.

“...Careful.”

“What is the meaning of this?” the thief cried furiously, twisting uselessly in her hold.

“You have something that doesn’t belong to you.” She reached into his pocket to retrieve the dagger, touching the tip to the centre of his throat. 

“Spare me! I beg you!” he cried, scrabbling to pry River’s hands free.

“Where are the other relics?” Yaz shouted.

His eyes swivelled to her, looking like they were about to pop out of his head. “I - I don’t know what you mean!”

River narrowed her eyes, muttering to the thief coolly. “I feel obliged to inform you that I am a woman of very violent impulses and _very_ little self-restraint.”

“Please! I speak the truth, I swear it!”

“How did you come by that dagger?” the Doctor asked, hands on her hips.

“I… I sell things,” he rasped. “It’s just a side-job. I don’t ask questions.”

“Who’s paying you?” River growled.

“I… can’t say.” River’s fingers curled tighter around his neck, and his scales flashed electric blue. “Ow!”

“Final answer?” 

“Please, just let me go. I have family!”

“River,” the Doctor called gently. “He’s just the middleman. Not worth your energy.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. You have family, do you? Interesting that you see that as a value which makes you worth protecting. Yet you don’t seem to apply those same principles in your main line of work.”

River peeled back the man’s jacket, revealing a small badge emblazoned with a red logo.

“Oh.” The Doctor’s eyes darted to the badge, and her expression darkened. “You’re a Voxin.”

“And proud,” he spat.

“What’s a Voxin?” Yaz whispered.

The Doctor sighed through her nose, struggling with the words. “Voxin soldiers are appointed by the ruling elite, over on a planet called Ontara in the next galaxy. They’ve genetically enhanced themselves to the point where they’re not able to reproduce, so Voxin are hired to… search out other planets nearby… find the places where people have been brought to their knees by the greed of the elite, the people who are least able to defend themselves… and they take their kids. Bring them back to Ontara. To be playthings for the rich.” The Voxin sniggered, half-choking on it, and the Doctor sneered at him. “I’d imagine that’s how someone like him got on the ship in the first place. Friends in high places.”

“It’s just a job,” the Voxin said, his voice strung tight by River’s hand closing around his throat. “Nothing personal.”

A steely look clouded over River’s face. “Then I’m sure you’ll appreciate that this is nothing personal. Only, when it comes to children being taken from their parents, I sort of have a zero-tolerance approach.”

River dragged him down the corridor and kicked him squarely into one of the glass pods, buzzing her screwdriver over the console inside to deadlock the controls and swiftly pressing a button on a side panel which caused the doors to snap shut. A countdown flashed up on the panel and River stood nose to nose with the Voxin as he pounded on the glass, shouting profanities and pleas that they could barely pick up.

“Enjoy your trip to the other end of the universe!” River smiled sweetly. “Sit tight. You’re in for a long drive.” She waved cheerfully as the countdown reached zero and the pod was sucked out into the dark, spinning away until it became a tiny spot in the distance.

“Good riddance. Right then!” She twirled the dagger in her hand, then slipped it into a seemingly invisible pocket in her dress. “One down, two to go. This is shaping up to be rather fun, isn’t it?”

She strode off down the corridor, and Yaz nudged the Doctor as they followed on her heels, her face splitting into a wide grin. “I like her.”

They joined Ryan and Graham at the fringes of the dancefloor. “Got the dagger,” Yaz announced.

“Nice one!”

“Any luck with the others?” the Doctor asked.

They shook their heads. “Ryan got proposed to, though,” Graham said in an exaggerated whisper, jabbing a thumb in his grandson’s direction as Ryan buried his head in his hand.

“No way! Who by?”

“Some prince. Of somewhere like… Yam-splay? Lambs-play?”

River gasped suddenly. “Lamasplae!” She curled a hand around the Doctor’s shoulder, her voice dropping. “Remember Lamasplae?”

The Doctor almost turned purple. “I remember agreeing that what happens on Lamasplae _stays_ on Lamasplae,” she mumbled pointedly, a pleading look in her eyes. 

River curled her tongue in her cheek, turning to Ryan with a glint in her eye. “You could do a lot worse, Ryan. The Lamasplians are a lovely people. Surprisingly bendy-”

“River, you _promised_.” 

“So,” Graham chipped in quickly before the Doctor stopped breathing altogether, “where do we find the other two?”

“Well, at least one has already been sold, by the look of it.”

They followed River’s gaze to a tall, slender woman with glowing orange eyes and a glittering tiara on her head, dressed in a jewel-encrusted robe with a train carried by four men. Around her neck sat the Koissavi necklace.

Yaz nudged River. “Isn’t that the queen who sent you the engagement ring at the bar?”

“Bingo.” River sucked on her teeth. “Let’s see… inherited royalty. Impossibly rich.”

“Owns everything she could ever dream of,” the Doctor added. “Could probably buy the affections of most, or obtain them by force…”

“...And yet sends engagement rings to sexy strangers at parties,” River finished. “Interesting approach. Do you know, I’d be willing to wager that our queen may respond well to a little hard-to-get.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Tag-team it?”

“My thoughts exactly.”

The Doctor grinned, scrunching her hands into excited fists. River allowed her to indulge in it for a second before she drew her thumb and forefinger together in a line in front of her face. “We need total composure.”

The Doctor nodded and put a serious face on, taking a deep breath. “Right. I’m in character. Let’s rock and roll.” 

Ryan’s eyes darted between them. “What are you going to do?”

“Back with you in a moment.” River touched up her lipstick, shaking out her hair. “Mummy and… mummy have work.”

They watched as the two of them made their way over to the alien queen, the Doctor announcing herself and gesturing to her wife. “Good evening, your Highness. I’m Professor Song’s personal representative. She thanks you for expressing your interest earlier this evening.”

“Oh!” The queen’s gaze fell on River, and seemed to instantly burn brighter. “You are most welcome, Professor. You are the most incredibly beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would love to talk to you alone-”

The Doctor held up a hand, stepping just in front of River. “The Professor would like to hear more about your prospects before she engages in personal conversation. Her time is very valuable.” 

“Oh. Very well. I am the queen of Minterra,” the queen announced dramatically, eliciting gasps and one swoon from several bystanders. “And all the planets, the stars, and the moons that reside within it.”

“Just the one galaxy, then,” the Doctor replied flatly.

The queen blinked, showing off two sets of vertical eyelids. “A galaxy would not be enough?”

“You’re competing with lords of time here, Queen Minty. Step it up a notch.”

The Doctor smirked as River’s eyes swivelled to her, narrowing just enough for her to catch. 

The queen’s nostrils flared just a little. “Perhaps I could tailor my offer if I knew more about my audience.”

The Doctor shrugged. “She’s partial to gifts.” She cleared her throat, eyes flitting down to the necklace. “Y’know… jewellery, that sort of thing.”

“I see.” The queen clicked her fingers, and a bowtied servant with several arms stepped forwards with towers of boxes. 

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up. “Do you just carry those about?”

“One never knows who one may need to impress. The Twerila earrings, if you please.” The servant picked out a small velvet box with a free hand and pried it open to reveal two long earrings, rubies hanging on delicate chains of gold, glimmering under the spotlights.

“Oh, no, no, no, these are no good at all. See that?” The Doctor pointed to River’s eyebrow, which on cue arched upwards almost imperceptibly. “She is _not_ happy. Besides, what are they worth - thirty, forty billion? Pssht. Please.”

The queen flicked her hand hastily, causing the servant to snap the box shut and retreat with his head bowed low. “Admirable,” she conceded, smoothing out the front of her dress. “You clearly have refined taste, Professor. Perhaps you would care for something a little more… unique?” the queen asked, and their eyes lit up as her fingers went to the clasp on the necklace. “Newly purchased. I’m told it is a priceless relic of great importance. It was going to reside in my personal collection, but truth be told, my lady,” she whispered as she placed the necklace delicately into River’s hands, “I would rather have _you_ residing there.”

“This pleases her,” the Doctor announced sharply the moment River had a tight hold of the necklace. “Her people will call your people.”

The Doctor turned on her heel but River hung back, leaning into the Queen with a raised eyebrow. “The _whole_ of Minterra?”

“No time!” the Doctor whispered fiercely, rounding back to hook an arm around her waist and pull her away. 

Ryan raised his eyebrows as they rejoined them, watching River slip the necklace on. “That looked easy.”

She laughed. “Oh, you wouldn’t believe how far looking like this has got me.”

“Actually, I probably would.”

The Doctor shot him a look, and he dipped his head sheepishly. River smirked.

“All we’re missing now is the goblet, right?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor hummed. “The most valuable of the three by a long shot.”

“Perhaps he wanted to take care of this sale himself,” River mused, toying with a gemstone in the necklace as her eyes roamed the ballroom. “I say we find our original thief, we find the final relic.”

An hour later, after they’d grown slightly distracted playing a complex game involving chips and hundred-sided dice against a group of princes that had culminated in River winning a small fortune - and somehow getting the princes to shed half their clothes in the process - they were on their way to buy another round of drinks on her when she froze on the spot.

They all came to an abrupt stop behind her, the Doctor swaying on her feet to avoid colliding into her back. “River?”

She was staring straight up ahead, her eyes narrow. “Gotcha.” 

They followed her gaze to find a rugged man skulking at the edge of the casino, his eyes dark and a silvery tattoo spiralling down one side of his face. 

“Who’s that?” Ryan asked, the five of them watching him across the sea of lively card tables.

The corner of River’s mouth curled into a snarl. “Kyrin Cartiel.”

The Doctor edged a little closer to River, her brow furrowing. “Why do I feel like I know his face?”

“Well, it’s the face behind a lot of the most notorious thefts out there this century. He’s done more than a few stints in Stormcage for it.”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot up. “Friend of yours?”

River snorted. “He wishes. He tried to nick my vortex manipulator out of my cell once. I broke his nose in my sleep.” She smiled brightly at the Doctor’s disturbed frown. 

“Stormcage?” Graham echoed. 

She nodded distractedly. “Universe’s most high-security prison.”

“Prison? What were you in prison for?”

River shot him a devilish smirk. “Mariticide.”

“Uh.” Ryan frowned. “Isn’t that the one where you kill your hus-?”

“Focus, everyone,” the Doctor hissed, giving River a stern face. “Stop being distracting.”

“What fun would that be?”

“He’s our man, then?” Yaz whispered.

“Definitely,” River affirmed. “He wouldn’t be caught in a place like this if he wasn’t up to something.”

“So what now?”

“Keep eyes on him. See what he gets up to. He’s most likely armed, and the missus is dead set against collateral damage,” she snapped into a perfect imitation of a Yorkshire accent for a split second, making the Doctor’s lips purse. “So when he moves off to a quieter area, we can corner him there.”

River had barely got the words out when they all watched helplessly as Cartiel turned on his heel and paced right in their direction. Before they could duck out of sight he lifted his head and froze, locking eyes squarely with River.

“ _You_!”

“Change of plan,” she announced, a split second before a gunshot cracked through the ballroom and the chandelier above them shattered, raining tiny crystal shards on their heads. The Doctor pulled them all out of the way as River dropped to the floor, rolling clear of the shower of bullets following her.

There was a small explosion where Cartiel stood which caused the crowd between them to scream and scatter to the edges of the room, clearing just in time to reveal the thief disappearing through a smoking hole in the floor.

“Oh, no you don’t,” River growled.

The Doctor yelped as River took a running-jump straight into the hole. “This woman will be the death of me. Stay here!” she shouted back to the three of them, taking off after River.

“Oh, yeah, that’s happening.” Yaz raced forwards as the Doctor disappeared out of sight, Ryan and Graham following her, skidding to a clumsy stop at the edge of the hole.

“I’m not jumping in there!” Ryan cried.

“Course you are!” Yaz shoved him hard between the shoulder blades, sending him feet-first through the floor with a shriek. 

“I’m coming, son!” Graham shouted, hesitating at the edge of the floor before following him with a shout that grew quieter and ended in a faint grunt. “ _Ow!_ ”

“I have to do everything ‘round here,” Yaz sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and leaping into the hole. The three of them landed in an undignified heap on the lower floor, jumping to their feet just in time to see River chasing Cartiel around the set tables of a huge dining room with the Doctor hot on her heels. 

River vaulted up onto a table and drew two small objects from her dress, flicking them at Cartiel’s ankles. He careened forwards, anchored to the carpet by two sharp objects stuck through the heels of his shoes. The goblet flew out of his jacket and rolled to a stop under a dining table.

“Are those throwing stars?” Ryan bounced on the spot, pointing. “Doctor - she’s got throwing stars!”

The corner of River’s mouth curled up as she threw two more, securing Cartiel’s arms to the floor by his shirt cuffs. “I perfected them when I was four.”

The Doctor smiled thinly, offering her hand to help her wife down from the table. “That’s not quite the brag you think it is, dear.”

“She just pinned someone down… by their sleeves... with _throwing stars_ ,” Ryan whispered, staring at River in awe as she strolled towards Cartiel where he struggled on the floor like a rabbit in a snare. 

He pulled himself free clumsily and scrambled to his feet, rounding on River. A few feet behind her the Doctor tensed but River didn’t seem particularly concerned, giving him a falsely sweet smile. “Cartiel. Long time.”

“Song,” he answered, his voice low and gravelly. “I should have killed you last time we met.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Sure about that?” He swiped a carving knife from a nearby serving cart and hurled it straight at River.

“River, look out-!” Yaz shouted, but the familiar hum of the Doctor’s screwdriver cut her off. The knife stopped in mid-air, inches from River’s chest, and flew backwards at the same time that Cartiel appeared to be dragged forwards by his wrists until the knife connected to his shirt cuffs with a loud clunk. 

“Took the liberty of increasing the magnetic field on those rip-off cufflinks,” the Doctor called to him. “You might want to think about going a bit more upmarket with your accessorising.” She put herself between Cartiel and River, standing with her chin held high to meet his gaze. She clasped her hands behind her back and watched with a cold smile on her face as he struggled to pry the knife free, his hands bound before him like they’d been glued together. “Don’t be silly, Cartiel,” she warned, a hard edge to her voice. “You won’t harm her. Not while I’m here.”

“Won’t I?” he growled.

“Not if you have any interest in getting out of here with your life.”

Cartiel took a step back, dropping his hands as the muscles in his jaw flexed. “Doctor, I assume. Your reputation precedes you.” 

“Always nice to meet a fan. How did you swing this, Cartiel?” The Doctor swung forwards on the balls of her feet. “If you hadn’t just tried to murder my wife, I’d almost be impressed.”

“It was easy,” he gloated. “I’ve had my eye on these relics for _years_. Knew they’d make me a fortune in this kind of market. Then the universe came through for me. Got a free ticket by star shuttle to Koissar, with admission to the relic chambers included. Apparently I’d won a galaxy-wide competition.” He shrugged, a sly smile revealing a mouth full of gold teeth. “Meant to be.”

“This is where your luck runs out,” River reminded him coolly, joining the Doctor at her side.

Cartiel snorted, turning his nose up. “I’ve been stealing the finest jewels in the crown of the universe since I was a child. Neither of you are close to a match for me.”

“Do me a favour,” the Doctor scoffed. “We’ve been on _dates_ that lasted longer than your lifespan.”

“You may have stolen a few of the jewels, Cartiel, but we wear the crown. Do you really think you can touch us?”

“I think I can kill you,” Cartiel snapped back at River.

“You couldn’t even enter into her orbit,” the Doctor snarled, taking a menacing step forward.

“Try it, Cartiel.” River stood her ground, arching an eyebrow. “ _Dare_ you.”

Cartiel froze for a moment, eyes darting between them, and then his still-bound hands flew like lightning to a hidden pocket in his coat and drew out a pistol. 

River was quicker, drawing a gun seemingly out of thin air and pulling the trigger. Cartiel’s weapon flew out of his hand, spinning across the floor, and he barely had a moment to recover from it before there was a second bright pulse from River’s gun.

Cartiel threw his arms up, covering his head and cowering in place. When a few seconds passed and he was still standing, he straightened up with a smug smile. “Ha!” he shouted triumphantly, eyes glinting as he pointed at River. “You missed!”

River smiled calmly, just as the sound of metal snapping above their heads made their friends flinch. “I never miss.”

A split second later, the huge wine rack hanging from the ceiling above came down on him with an almighty crash. Yaz, Graham and Ryan jumped back as it crushed him, and the Doctor’s face scrunched into a wince. “He’ll feel that in the morning.”

“I do hope so.” River blew gently on the barrel of her gun, then tucked it neatly away and rounded on the Doctor. “Magnets?” She hauled her wife forwards by the braces until they were nose to nose. “ _Idiot_.” 

Before the Doctor could protest River kissed her so hard that the heels of her shoes lost contact with the floor.

Ryan screwed his eyes shut. “There’s something I’ll never unsee.”

Yaz smiled. “I think it’s sweet-! Oh.” She raised her eyebrows as River’s hands slipped to the Doctor’s lower back and she dipped her smoothly like she was ending a dance, all without breaking the kiss. The moment the Doctor slid her hands into River’s hair with a soft moan the three of them cleared their throats sharply, and she sprang away from her wife so quickly that she almost fell to the floor. River held onto her and lifted her back to an upright position lightly, tucking her hair back into place as the Doctor poured every ounce of concentration into untwisting her braces. “Not a bad night’s work, overall.”

A long groan came from the mound of wine bottles, and River sauntered forwards to drag a ruffled Cartiel out from under it by the scruff of his coat.

The Doctor’s eyes darted sideways to find her friends gawking at her. “What?”

“You’ve got… lipstick,” Yaz whispered, gesturing at her face awkwardly.

The Doctor sighed. “Where?”

“Just sort of… everywhere.”

As the Doctor attempted to scrub the red smudges from around her mouth with the sleeve of her suit jacket, steadfastly avoiding their amused smirks, River slapped a small metal band around Cartiel’s wrist. 

“I will hunt you down,” he growled, his voice thick and groggy. “Mark my words, River Song-”

“Yeah, yeah. Do give Stormcage my regards, Carty.” She patted his cheek roughly, giving him a tight smile, and then with a quick flick of her screwdriver he disappeared with a pop.

The Doctor brandished the goblet from under one of the tables with a grin. “And that’s three!” 

“Oh, _look_ at that.” River swiped it from her hands, tracing her finger along the rim. “It would look so fetching on the shelf in my dining room, don’t you think?”

The Doctor held out her hand, raising an eyebrow, and River handed the back over along with the dagger and a petulant roll of her eyes. The Doctor beckoned her hand expectantly. “And the necklace.”

River pouted. “Really? I don’t get a single souvenir for my troubles?”

“I’ll get you a keyring from the gift shop, darling,” the Doctor assured her in a teasing tone, lifting her wife's hair up to unclasp the necklace. 

“Well, that was a fun evening! I’m starving. Come along, Team Song.” River brandished a handful of casino chips, tossing one into the air and catching it triumphantly. “I nabbed six million credits from those Meruvian princes, so dinner is on me.”

The Doctor dipped behind her and swiped a gold bottle of champagne from the collapsed wine rack. “Complimentary drinks!” She took River’s hand, pulling her towards the exit. “And it’s Team _Tardis_.”

“We’ll see.”

Ryan skipped after them, whispering to River. “Hey - can you teach me how to do that thing with the throwing stars?”

Graham nudged Yaz. “Never thought I’d say this, but… I’m starting to think the Doc might be the sensible one.”

“That’s a terrifying thought.” 

* * *

The Doctor chewed on a last mouthful of chocolate cake thoughtfully as the Tardis hummed peacefully around the two of them, watching River stack the empty dessert bowls scattered across the console. 

River stilled, catching her eye and holding her gaze. “What’s that face?”

She shrugged, tilting her head to study River. “Interesting that Cartiel happened to win that trip.”

“Hmm.” River slipped her Tardis key onto her new keychain, the smallest hint of a smile on her face.

“And that on the very day he arrived, the security feeds had been tampered with to self-wipe.”

“Funny coincidence,” River shrugged, sipping on the last dregs of her champagne glass.

The Doctor came to rest with her back to the console where River stood, crossing her arms and watching her wife flick a lever back and forth innocently. “And also on that same day, the force field around the chambers had been restructured, making it loads easier for an amateur like him to hack.”

She gasped, the facade slipping away in an instant. “You noticed!”

The Doctor sighed, unable to stop her exasperation slipping into a fond smile. “Exactly how much of a part did you play in staging the theft of the universe’s most priceless relics just so you could show off to your new mates, wife?”

“Just a smidge, darling. I like to make a memorable first impression.” She smiled smugly, biting her lip. “I think they liked me.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “I think they might have liked you a bit too much.”

She tutted. “Always the jealous type.”

“But the _Koissavi_ triad, River? You had half the galaxy in mourning.”

River waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, don’t nag. I got them back.”

“But why go to all that trouble?”

“Well, I was hardly going to wait for you to introduce me, was I? I’d be dead of old age by the time you got around to it.” She batted the Doctor’s shoulder playfully, glaring at her. “Honestly. You’re more than old enough, sweetie; it’s really not the worst thing in the world if your friends learn that you have a bit of _romance_ in your life.”

The Doctor’s cheeks flushed as she shifted on her feet. “My point was, most people don’t introduce themselves by breaking several intergalactic laws. Or so I’ve heard.”

“I’m not most people.”

The Doctor smiled affectionately. “No, you’re definitely not. But you’re also not the type to try to impress people. Didn’t think you cared much about the opinion of… well, anyone.”

River’s shoulders rose and fell with a small sigh, and she wound a dial pensively. “They’re your best friends,” she answered, her voice a little quieter than usual. “And seeing as tangled-up timelines aren’t getting in the way these days, and I’m, you know, not dead... I’d like to be part of that. Not just someone on the sidelines, who dips in and out of your life when no-one else is looking.”

“The _sidelines_?” she shot back, incredulous. “Never! You’re the main event. The headline act!”

River rolled her eyes at the Doctor, trying valiantly not to smile. “Shut up.”

The Doctor was quiet for a moment, watching River carefully with her eyebrows pinched together, and opened her mouth to speak when the sound of footsteps and faint voices rattled above them.

“Maybe I just like having you all to myself,” she just had time to tease in River’s ear before Yaz, Ryan and Graham filed downstairs freshly changed out of their formalwear, earning a flash of a dirty smirk in their final second alone.

“Right then! What’s next?” Yaz rubbed her hands together, grinning expectantly at the Doctor. “More relics to get back?”

“Yeah! Another big fancy space party?” Ryan asked. “Whatever it is, I’m in.”

River looked between them all for a long second before plastering on a smile, shaking her head. “Well, I don’t know about you lot, but I have a thrilling stack of unmarked papers on the Suterran cluster to trawl through, so I best be getting back to Luna.”

“Oh, that can wait, surely,” Graham insisted. “Your wife’s got a time machine!”

“You _have_ to come with us!” Yaz nudged the Doctor. “Invite her!”

The Doctor waited until River caught her eye to raise her eyebrows pointedly, giving her a soft smile. “She’s always invited.”

River’s hands floundered at the controls, pausing just over the coordinates board, and she directed her gaze at the monitor. “I... wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Don’t be daft!” Graham patted the Doctor’s back. “You’re the Doc’s family. Which makes you our family. Right?”

“Yeah!” Yaz chimed in, Ryan following suit.

“Deffo!”

River was quiet for a moment as she looked back at their hopeful faces, her eyes shining, and then she smiled. “There is a planet in the Euterpe galaxy,” she started, in that way of hers that made everything sound thrilling and a tiny bit illegal. They all gravitated towards her eagerly, and her smile broadened. “Legends say that there’s a creature living in its waters that covers the surface of the entire ocean; no-one knows the species. But if you take a boat out when the moons are full, legends say that the water lights up and glows red under you, like it’s been set alight from beneath. No traveller has ever discovered why. But they say if you wait long enough into the night, and are very patient… your boat will begin to steer itself to an unknown destination.”

“That sounds terrifying,” Ryan muttered.

“It sounds _amazing_ ,” Yaz breathed, looking up at the Doctor. “Can we go?”

The Doctor stepped back and grinned at River, gesturing at the controls. “Do the honours?”

They all raced to the handbrake and stacked their hands on it as River zipped around them and punched in the coordinates, waiting for her to place her hand on top of the Doctor’s so that they pulled the handbrake down and sent the Tardis whirring to life together. “Next stop: everywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even tell you how amazing it's been to share this story and get the reception that it's had - I've loved every minute of writing this. I hope I'll write more of River's adventures with the fam in the future, but till next time - thank you!


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